he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
