OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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