i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
