Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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