i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
