totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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