we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
