Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.