Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest