Cold hands, warm shart.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?