Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed