I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no