I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel like I smell like bad decisions