oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes