I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
