If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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