Plan B is the new Plan A
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
