they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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