So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
