Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
