don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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