we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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