how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
