Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
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i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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