Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
