is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I had to cum in my sink.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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