No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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