just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
