if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
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The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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