My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize