I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.