i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair