I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.