This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking