New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
