Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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