Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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