I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
