someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
