There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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