btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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