Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
