I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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