I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style