I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever