oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
