yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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