My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
