I wish my penis had an off switch
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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