I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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