Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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