He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He passed out mid-signature
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
