your thong is hanging out like whoa
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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