You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
