I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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