My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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