I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
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she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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