I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
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I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.