I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!