why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
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So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to