By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
