I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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