Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
